No subject

I always thought I wasn't alone. Now I realize just how alone I've been. It is much easier to write in terms of factual occurrences, after all there's no reflection of inner thought, just simply passive memory. I always used to think that people thought like me, and that ideas and logical inferences came easily to them. I know realize that is not the case. People don't think like I do, and I've met very few who've been able to understand. I mean truly understand life.

What is life? Factually it is the result of unfathomable cellular and organic interactions. That is perhaps the deepest any sentence can scientifically go with current human understanding. No, I can't speak as a principle lecturer to an audience of people dressed in suits. I can't lay a brain on the stage in front of all of them and point with vehement declarations as to the "this's" and the "thats" and explain away all there is to consciousness and all there is to life.

For life is beyond my mind. Indeed it is beyond any persons. I suspect I will die without actually knowing what life is. And if that fact, that realization doesn't absolutely fill your soul with sorrow, then you quite frankly, haven't been thinking enough.

I've lived 22 years, some times have been good, some times have been bad. Lately bad. I wish more than anything to get my health back, to feel like old times, but I wonder if hope abandons me. Pain and suffering is pretty much all I've known thusfar in my life, and yet I refuse to believe that's what life is. Or sorry, I mean, I refuse to believe that is all of life's purpose. Perhaps it is a remnant of some noble species, this theory of hope without evidence. Somewhere in the genetic line a successful species had to have developed characteristics to withstand hardship, as the world presents many.

No the origin of hope and future thinking is also beyond my mind, though I care to enter into it with speculation. But I do feel that gift given to me that I have not forged myself is that much the stronger than the hardships given to me. That despite everything I still persist in the idea that I can do great things. Counter to all evidence perhaps, but I do not now accept the notion that I am defeated, though much of my former strength is gone I have resolved onto myself this final journey in my life. I do not know how I'll get there, but I do know that everything in my heart and that remains alive is focused on it. That strength that I possessed, if still alive, will come back to me whence it is ready to be summoned, and for now I shall do all that is left in my will to see to it that I accomplish my dream.

For I live in the time scale of decades, to which is not even felt by the Earth, and that life which has been in existence for billions of years, will care not about I or any manly society's story, I am as insignificant and profound as all the rest of this universe. That god has made us of equal worth, that much I feel is true. That if you take a ratio with any one thing, be it a man, a king, a president, a star, a galaxy - anything, and you compare it to all other things, that is, you compare it to the universe. You find the ratio is the same, for anything divided by infinity, is always zero.

All things ratio to zero, and hence, in a small way, all things are equal.